Dear Guy Who Broke Into My Car A Couple Hours Ago,

Okay, seriously? REALLY?! You broke my back window and stole a pair of white and pink rollerskates and a car stereo that is probably as old as you are. That is dumb. You're going to get approximately sixteen dollars street value for that stuff. I am absolutely certain that the cost of the broken window is at least ten times what you'll be able to hawk my stuff for. You didn't even bother to dig around and find all the porn that is still in the backseat from my birthday, idiot. At least that might have been amusing for a few hours. Instead, you have rollerskates that I guarantee you can't wear, a radio that's old and not good, and a burned copy of the Rogue Traders' last album. The Rogue Traders make terrible Australian pop music. So, you know. Enjoy that, I guess. Dick.

Hoping you die in a fire,
Me

P.S. I covered the window with a trash bag so the car won't get rained in or sprinkler'd on or pissed in by one of your dumbass hobo friends. Do you have ANY IDEA how hard it is to parallel park when you can't see out your rear passenger window? Seriously, go find a fire and die in it you dumb sack of shit.